I was kind of a snarky 26 year old, here's a little glimpse of what was going on in my mind back then. I give you: August 2007
MY VIEW ON LIFE:
I am a bum in every sense of the word, and I'm actually okay with that. Maybe society thinks a mortgage payment and a promising career along with a cookie cutter spouse is ideal, but all I see is a race for complacency in that statement. People are so anxious to get going with their all-mighty lives, that they never stop to see what's around them right now. People don't enjoy life's little blessings.
People are constantly working for more money, more children, more prestige, a bigger house, a prettier house, another vacation, a better body, a better lover.... it's always more, bigger, better, thinner, shinier. Nothing is ever just amazing right now. Then, one day... they awake out of the rush of life. Crippled, sick, nostalgic. They say "what happened, it went by so fast". It was because they were rushing through it at such a rate that life did pass them by.
I never want to be that person. I never want to wake up when I'm 50 or 60 or 70 or 80, and say, what happened? How did that happen? Why am I here? I want to enjoy time right now :
fun time, boring time, happy time, sad time, I want to relish every feeling and emotion because someday will unfold into someone else's someday because I will no longer be here.
And all of this is why I'm okay. I'm not great, I'm not fantastic, I'm just okay being exactly where I am. I'm complacent being lost in long moments of unplanned thought. I'm okay having nothing to do with the American dream. I'm happy just being here... right now in this moment. This is all I have and this is all I want right now.
pensive pearl.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, May 07, 2007
An update from an almost 26 year old.
Well. It's been almost 3 months since the worst month of my life, and all I can say about it is I am still alive.
I ended up moving back home to Nevada. My mom accepted me back with open arms, of course only if I agreed to pay rent. :)
My first month back was unbearable. I hated work. I hated people. I hated everyone and everything.
In Mid March, I drove an almost unbearable journey to see my long lost duderler for her birthday. I was still feeling "wobbley" walking around Portland, the town I lived in for only 3 weeks, but it was a nice trip. It reminded me of what I left behind... and what I can come back to someday if I choose to do so.
As several psychics predicted the man who broke my heart aka love of my life, ending up calling me in April several (25) times. I never once answered the phone. What is the point of answering? What's done is done. I moved, and I moved back. I begged for 2nd chances, and he said no and laughed at me, so why should I give him the time of day now? It's a closed book, I quit reading it, and I threw it back on the shelf, no more skimming old chapters for me.
So that's where I am. Things are just ok. Not good. Not horrible. Just, *meh* fine. Once a week, I freak out over everything, and then, I'm good again. I haven't made any progress- weight wise, career wise, money wise... nothing, but again, I think that is OK. I'm lucky to still be alive after my 4th car accident. I'm lucky I was able to get another car and my old job back so quickly. I'm lucky for lots of things.
And in 3 1/2 weeks, I will be 26. It's not a hallmark year by any means, but I will still have a good time.
That is my update.
I ended up moving back home to Nevada. My mom accepted me back with open arms, of course only if I agreed to pay rent. :)
My first month back was unbearable. I hated work. I hated people. I hated everyone and everything.
In Mid March, I drove an almost unbearable journey to see my long lost duderler for her birthday. I was still feeling "wobbley" walking around Portland, the town I lived in for only 3 weeks, but it was a nice trip. It reminded me of what I left behind... and what I can come back to someday if I choose to do so.
As several psychics predicted the man who broke my heart aka love of my life, ending up calling me in April several (25) times. I never once answered the phone. What is the point of answering? What's done is done. I moved, and I moved back. I begged for 2nd chances, and he said no and laughed at me, so why should I give him the time of day now? It's a closed book, I quit reading it, and I threw it back on the shelf, no more skimming old chapters for me.
So that's where I am. Things are just ok. Not good. Not horrible. Just, *meh* fine. Once a week, I freak out over everything, and then, I'm good again. I haven't made any progress- weight wise, career wise, money wise... nothing, but again, I think that is OK. I'm lucky to still be alive after my 4th car accident. I'm lucky I was able to get another car and my old job back so quickly. I'm lucky for lots of things.
And in 3 1/2 weeks, I will be 26. It's not a hallmark year by any means, but I will still have a good time.
That is my update.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Things change when you are 25...
Since I was a very young child, I felt I was destined for greatness. I didn't like barbie dolls or dream about my wedding and being a "mommy". I felt different from the earliest memories of my future dreams.
When I was 4, I wanted to be an astronaut... and then there was that whole challenger thing. That changed my mind pretty quick.
When I was 5-6, I wanted to be a fireman so badly. Everyday, I dressed up in red sweatpants and a plastic fireman's hat... I would go in my back yard and "put out" pretend fires with our garden hose.
Then came the epiphany. When I was 6 or maybe 7, my dad and I would play a variety of games every night together. My favorite was monopoly. I always had to be the banker, and at that young age, I decided I wanted my own monopoly when I grew up, I wanted to be a banker and have lots of money, so I could see the world.
I stuck with this idea, and I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree in Finance in 2002 at the young age of 21. I soon learned that banks, insurance companies and the "finance" world in general was just disgusting. Dressing up in a suit everyday? Lying to people to get their money? Making hard sells? Pretending to be someone you aren't? None of these things appealed to me, so since college I've been just "getting by".
I've held myself back getting into various 'relationships' over the years. I have forgotten who I am and what my dreams are... Whoever I am "dating" at the time, I make their dreams, my dreams, so I don't have to think about what I really want in life. I "crash" into their world, without ever letting them know who I really am...
I've been thinking about my dreams a lot lately, wondering what happened to them. Where did all the merrymakers go? Hrm.
With no dreams, no goals, I had to make some.... I had to think about when I am the happiest. The answer was really easy. I'm the happiest when I am traveling... experiencing new things, wearing what I want to wear... getting up when I want to get up....I like seeing weird things that not many people get to see in their lives. I love taking pictures of these weird things. I like taking pictures of myself. I like watching movies in the theater. I like writing all my feelings on paper or in a journal. I like taking long walks with people like Mel, people I can tell anything to, and they will just listen. I like knowing I have lots of money in the bank. I like to be a passenger. I like writing. I like dreaming big dreams. I like reading cheesy tabloid magazines. I like collecting dvd's that I will never watch. I like fantasizing about the day I will own my own 57 chevy bel air...4 door hard top. I like learning new skills. I like pushing my limits.
In pondering all of these things, I came up with one conclusion.
I need to find a way to be successful on my own terms. I need to travel the world. I want to see it all before I die. I need to make a lot of money and be my own boss. I need to stay away from relationships... love... and infatuation because it brings me down.
I might have a good opportunity to make a lot of money back in Nevada entering into a mortgage financing gig. It would be hard... it would be sales, but I will do anything to make my dreams come true. I'm not stuck on being a "millionaire" anymore. I just want to pay off all my bills... own some real estate... eventually get my dream car, and most importantly, I want to see the world. I want the American dream minus the husband and kids.
This year, I want to see New York City, England and Ireland. Next year, I want to see Australia/New Zealand, anywhere with an active volcano, and more of Europe.
I'm destined for greatness: I've known it since I was a young child. My definition of greatness is seeing the world and everything in it. I'm not cut out to be your average 25 year old. I hate parties and the bar scene, and I don't want to "settle" down, so where does that leave me. I don't know of many people my age that don't fit into one of those 2 categories. It doesn't matter anymore if I don't fit, I just want what I want. I want to be a success. When I die, I want the most fabulous times, the most amazing sites to pass through my mind one last time. I want to see a slideshow of the life I always want to live play by in my mind... not the life that someone else wanted me to live, but the life I chose because I wanted it.
Life really blows sometimes. My pop said it best when he said "whenever you REALLY want something more than anything, you never ever get it... it's called life., but sometimes in life we get what we weren't ever looking for, and somehow it makes you happy, it's weird, but you gotta look for that kind of stuff instead of being bummed out over everything you were 'expecting"
I'm ready to deal with life, for I know success is not assured, but I'm also putting up one hell of a fight when life punches me in the face from now on. No more crying or whining about how much things suck. This time, I'm ready for the blows, and instead of being weak, I'm going to punch back.
So hello success. Hello strength. Hello world. I'm Jessica.
When I was 4, I wanted to be an astronaut... and then there was that whole challenger thing. That changed my mind pretty quick.
When I was 5-6, I wanted to be a fireman so badly. Everyday, I dressed up in red sweatpants and a plastic fireman's hat... I would go in my back yard and "put out" pretend fires with our garden hose.
Then came the epiphany. When I was 6 or maybe 7, my dad and I would play a variety of games every night together. My favorite was monopoly. I always had to be the banker, and at that young age, I decided I wanted my own monopoly when I grew up, I wanted to be a banker and have lots of money, so I could see the world.
I stuck with this idea, and I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree in Finance in 2002 at the young age of 21. I soon learned that banks, insurance companies and the "finance" world in general was just disgusting. Dressing up in a suit everyday? Lying to people to get their money? Making hard sells? Pretending to be someone you aren't? None of these things appealed to me, so since college I've been just "getting by".
I've held myself back getting into various 'relationships' over the years. I have forgotten who I am and what my dreams are... Whoever I am "dating" at the time, I make their dreams, my dreams, so I don't have to think about what I really want in life. I "crash" into their world, without ever letting them know who I really am...
I've been thinking about my dreams a lot lately, wondering what happened to them. Where did all the merrymakers go? Hrm.
With no dreams, no goals, I had to make some.... I had to think about when I am the happiest. The answer was really easy. I'm the happiest when I am traveling... experiencing new things, wearing what I want to wear... getting up when I want to get up....I like seeing weird things that not many people get to see in their lives. I love taking pictures of these weird things. I like taking pictures of myself. I like watching movies in the theater. I like writing all my feelings on paper or in a journal. I like taking long walks with people like Mel, people I can tell anything to, and they will just listen. I like knowing I have lots of money in the bank. I like to be a passenger. I like writing. I like dreaming big dreams. I like reading cheesy tabloid magazines. I like collecting dvd's that I will never watch. I like fantasizing about the day I will own my own 57 chevy bel air...4 door hard top. I like learning new skills. I like pushing my limits.
In pondering all of these things, I came up with one conclusion.
I need to find a way to be successful on my own terms. I need to travel the world. I want to see it all before I die. I need to make a lot of money and be my own boss. I need to stay away from relationships... love... and infatuation because it brings me down.
I might have a good opportunity to make a lot of money back in Nevada entering into a mortgage financing gig. It would be hard... it would be sales, but I will do anything to make my dreams come true. I'm not stuck on being a "millionaire" anymore. I just want to pay off all my bills... own some real estate... eventually get my dream car, and most importantly, I want to see the world. I want the American dream minus the husband and kids.
This year, I want to see New York City, England and Ireland. Next year, I want to see Australia/New Zealand, anywhere with an active volcano, and more of Europe.
I'm destined for greatness: I've known it since I was a young child. My definition of greatness is seeing the world and everything in it. I'm not cut out to be your average 25 year old. I hate parties and the bar scene, and I don't want to "settle" down, so where does that leave me. I don't know of many people my age that don't fit into one of those 2 categories. It doesn't matter anymore if I don't fit, I just want what I want. I want to be a success. When I die, I want the most fabulous times, the most amazing sites to pass through my mind one last time. I want to see a slideshow of the life I always want to live play by in my mind... not the life that someone else wanted me to live, but the life I chose because I wanted it.
Life really blows sometimes. My pop said it best when he said "whenever you REALLY want something more than anything, you never ever get it... it's called life., but sometimes in life we get what we weren't ever looking for, and somehow it makes you happy, it's weird, but you gotta look for that kind of stuff instead of being bummed out over everything you were 'expecting"
I'm ready to deal with life, for I know success is not assured, but I'm also putting up one hell of a fight when life punches me in the face from now on. No more crying or whining about how much things suck. This time, I'm ready for the blows, and instead of being weak, I'm going to punch back.
So hello success. Hello strength. Hello world. I'm Jessica.
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