Life has been such a rollercoaster lately. Oy vey. Where to even begin.

Every time I meet someone, they disappoint me. Maybe this is life? Just one huge cycle of disappointment. It feels like every relationship I enter into, I am the one who unfairly gets hurt. Why is that? Am I a magnet for my own pain? How do I attract these scumbags to me?

I must be doing something wrong. I need some inner reflection to figure myself out or something!

I just wish I knew what it is that is so horrible about me that everyone has to f*ck me over. This is not how I imagined my life at 30. How did it get so screwed up?

floppy...

We used to play this game
called
floppy fish

Where we'd be in bed
and
flop like
well,
floppy fish
Thrashing and
flopping
pretending to
splash in water
that wasn't there...

And we would laugh
and
laugh
and
laugh.

Until we fell asleep holding
floppy
hands.

And I thought
I could
play
this
game
forever.

Dating Schmating

Boy number one asks me out to a movie
We get there..
and it's pretty obvious.
I am paying for myself!

How um sweet?

He did buy popcorn and a soda to share.

During the movie
He says
"If you get scared...
you can hold my hand"

5 minutes later
he says
"if you get scared...
you can hold my penis"
Yeah.

I did not get scared. At all.

The movie was good
He was a bore.
I hate people who
talk during movies
unless of course
it is me
and
my best friend.
then
it's okay.


Before our dating
he couldn't stop texting me
telling me
he was excited to
kiss me perhaps

After an awkward walk
to my car
He danced around for
10 minutes
no kiss
just
a
guerrilla war style
hug

and we were off

The movie was so great
and
I looked so pretty
that
I really needed a
good night kiss

So I
called up boy number 2
just to meet me
on a random corner
and
give me a good
kiss.


It was good.
thank you
boy number 2.

Rollercoaster

Everyday is truly a rollercoaster for me.

Literally every other day is just horrid. Then the next day feels pretty great!

But then the next day is horrible again.

Good
Bad
Great
Awful
Nasty
Pleasurable
Happy
Miserable
Lively
Depressing
Jovial
Downer
Blue Skies
Gloomy Skies
Awesome Times
Crying Times


Well, you get the point. My best friend said that I am much better than a month ago. A month ago, I couldn't see any good things at all on the horizon. At least now, I look forward to every other day.

I guess I'm scared of today because yesterday was pretty great. Maybe I should put yesterday by the Beatles on and just dream of those better times.

an interesting date

So it kind of went like this...

from 9:30-10:30pm:






From 10:30 - 10:50 pm.



Not so bad. Not so bad. Can't say I've done that before- considering it hardly ever rains in Nevada. :)

apology schmology

so if someone apologizes to you.. and then they delete his/her apology. Did they mean it to begin with?

Probably not.

thanks.

Cantinas, Cold Drinks and Cool Books Oh My!

Another blind date.

We met at the bookstore- one of my favorite places.
I was so nervous.
My heart pounded behind the bookcases.
I got yelled at
for
taking a picture
of a book called
the ass and the boar.

He showed up
in Wranglers.
We walked around
he bought me tea
I tried his caramel frappe

I couldn't really tell if he liked me or not
we joked about endless books.
I coughed. a lot.

We went to a Cantina for my friend's graduation celebration
It was more fun that I thought it would be
I like the place!
We shared nachos.

We left
drove around
chatted

He bought me a book and
gave me an awkward hug.

Overall, it was okay. :)

can you be too picky?

Okay, so I'm thinking of starting a new blog on my new unexpected single life.. but maybe later.

For now, this post will have to go in this old boring blog.

I went on a date last night. We were both seemingly "alone" for Thanksgiving. I have a tradition of going to the movies on Thanksgiving, but alas I had nobody to go with...

So here is an outline of the date. *sigh*

I pick him up.
He can't drive.
Due to some sort of depth perception disorder.
He kind of looked like his picture.
But a little... unkept.
Not really my type at all.
We go to the movies.

Where he tries to get touchy
and
feely

And I scoot
as far away as I can get from him
yet
he keeps trying.

sigh.

The movie
felt like an eternity.
It was only
2.4 hours.

Politely I ask him to coffee.
We have okay conversation.
But
I find out
he is SUPER picky
and only likes
to date
really young girls.
or in his words...
"5-10 years younger than me"

I wrap the date up by 10pm
because of course
I
have a
curfew (at the age of 30)

Heh.

He goes home
and
blogs about
a wonderful
first date

I go home and
fall asleep..

wake up
and
write this.

Dizzy Gillespie on The Muppet Show

Thanks on Tuesday

I've been sick for a few days.. well actually for about 5.. I've just felt horrible and out of it, I feel bad that I'm not portraying my usual happy self in my internship due to this cold, but I'm finding it hard to function, still I'm going to record my most recent happy moments:

Having a good interaction with my principal today
Feeling relief from my nose spray. (lame I know)
Getting through a huge checklist of stuff with my teacher, he's so cool.

Realizing I don't have homework due tomorrow!

Stephen renting me a movie he's known I've been wanting to see as a surprise!

eating a delicious bowl of tomato pasta soup for lunch

reading this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/19/business/19entre.html?_r=1&dbk about a 19 year old kid with hypomania who's starting the next big interesting thing.. I love young people starting businesses, It excites me!!

9/14

Happiest moments:

having more people talk to me in the lunchroom today

having fun with Stephen

eating a delicious rice crispy treat! yummy!

September 13th

I'm happy my first day of internship land went okay. It wasn't the best day in the world, but it was miles from the worst day!

My happiest moments:

a little girl staring at me for a minute and then saying "you're so pretty".
(this is common in elementary school, but it's still so nice to hear)

later Stephen said the same thing!

Having a conversation about braces and gum with 3 crooked smiled 10 year olds.

Stephen covering my face with kisses!

finally leaving school after the "first" day, it just felt so good to sit down and get out of there, but it was a happy moment that I "survived".

Sunday thankies

I'm happy that..

I start my internship tomorrow.
I had an awesome lunch with my loving Stephen..
My favorite show is on in just a few minutes!


I found awesome deals on Shampoo, shoes and a hand knitted sweater at ross, I saved nearly 100 dollars~! hurray.

9/11

I'm happy most

1. for getting to experience the balloon races in a comfortable location. It is a day I'll never forget! I've been 2 times before this year, but my attitude and company was lacking. Stephen made it a great/relaxing time!

2. The fact I live in a place where there are rescue workers, willing to risk their own lives to save mine. *(never forget)

3. For the time I got to spend with my relatively new friend, Ashley. I like making her laugh!

My blessings seem to multiply everyday. For that, I'm so grateful.

Happiest Moment

I went to see Eat Pray Love, a new movie with Julia Roberts in it this afternoon. The movie dragged on in some parts, but other times, I found myself in an introspective journey with the main character. I like that. In honor of this movie, I think I will refocus this journal to the happiest parts of my day.

So here goes:

8/10/2010

1. Finally solidifying my internship plans: clicking with my lead teacher, my new principal and my supervisor.

2. Going to see a movie for the pure enjoyment of seeing a movie.

3. Coming home to my wonderful Stephen cooking me dinner

4. Telling Stephen all about my day

Now off to bed! Good night.

My attempt at artsy

This is what happens when I am bored:


my photography blog


I am sure this won't happen too much in the future months, I suppose I should be grateful for the spare time I have right now. I love my new blog!

Ch ch ch changes?

I've had this blog for nearly 4 years now, and many changes have taken place in my life. On the brink of a new and highly scrutinized career, I've decided to edit my blog a bit. It's a good thing though! I really just want to focus on all positive things in my life, and I'd like to use this blog more on a daily basis.

I am also going to keep a movie review blog here http://lifeloveeverythingandwithit.blogspot.com

The name makes no sense, but that's okay. Happy blogging!

Soon I will start a teaching strategies blog! yayness.

I want a Themed Journal!

Wow, it's been almost a year since I last updated. I originally started this journal to vent some of my secrets/frustrations about life. I continued to use it as this outlet for my madness.

I kinda want to start all over, but I don't know where to begin. I have a lot to say, but I want a journal of substance with a theme to it. I saw the coolest journal tonight, this lady writes about how she'd change the world, "If I were in charge of the universe".. and then she starts an entry. It was clever and witty. She also had a journal about her dog, her photography and the library she works in. I found her site when investigating blue hair dye. I always want to dye my hair blue, but I never do, mainly out of fear that I will be rejected for that "awesome" job. heh, kinda silly since I've been looking for an awesome job for 6 years now. I could have had 6 years of blue haired Good times. Oh well, I digress...

I really love themed journals...but what I'd theme mine about or stylize it as, I have no clue. It would be pretty hard to describe myself in a 5000 word essay much less shove a part of my life into a subject journal. Plus, I get bored easily, that's my biggest problem. I jump from one topic to the next like a spun out grasshopper, I can never stay focused on any one thing for too long. I could journal about that problem, but I'm already bored thinking about it as I write this...

No point to this entry, so no finale for you, I'm off to my new sleeping job now, good night bloggers.

Advice from a 26 year old.

I was kind of a snarky 26 year old, here's a little glimpse of what was going on in my mind back then. I give you: August 2007

MY VIEW ON LIFE:

I am a bum in every sense of the word, and I'm actually okay with that. Maybe society thinks a mortgage payment and a promising career along with a cookie cutter spouse is ideal, but all I see is a race for complacency in that statement. People are so anxious to get going with their all-mighty lives, that they never stop to see what's around them right now. People don't enjoy life's little blessings.

People are constantly working for more money, more children, more prestige, a bigger house, a prettier house, another vacation, a better body, a better lover.... it's always more, bigger, better, thinner, shinier. Nothing is ever just amazing right now. Then, one day... they awake out of the rush of life. Crippled, sick, nostalgic. They say "what happened, it went by so fast". It was because they were rushing through it at such a rate that life did pass them by.

I never want to be that person. I never want to wake up when I'm 50 or 60 or 70 or 80, and say, what happened? How did that happen? Why am I here? I want to enjoy time right now :
fun time, boring time, happy time, sad time, I want to relish every feeling and emotion because someday will unfold into someone else's someday because I will no longer be here.

And all of this is why I'm okay. I'm not great, I'm not fantastic, I'm just okay being exactly where I am. I'm complacent being lost in long moments of unplanned thought. I'm okay having nothing to do with the American dream. I'm happy just being here... right now in this moment. This is all I have and this is all I want right now.

pensive pearl.

An update from an almost 26 year old.

Well. It's been almost 3 months since the worst month of my life, and all I can say about it is I am still alive.

I ended up moving back home to Nevada. My mom accepted me back with open arms, of course only if I agreed to pay rent. :)

My first month back was unbearable. I hated work. I hated people. I hated everyone and everything.

In Mid March, I drove an almost unbearable journey to see my long lost duderler for her birthday. I was still feeling "wobbley" walking around Portland, the town I lived in for only 3 weeks, but it was a nice trip. It reminded me of what I left behind... and what I can come back to someday if I choose to do so.


As several psychics predicted the man who broke my heart aka love of my life, ending up calling me in April several (25) times. I never once answered the phone. What is the point of answering? What's done is done. I moved, and I moved back. I begged for 2nd chances, and he said no and laughed at me, so why should I give him the time of day now? It's a closed book, I quit reading it, and I threw it back on the shelf, no more skimming old chapters for me.

So that's where I am. Things are just ok. Not good. Not horrible. Just, *meh* fine. Once a week, I freak out over everything, and then, I'm good again. I haven't made any progress- weight wise, career wise, money wise... nothing, but again, I think that is OK. I'm lucky to still be alive after my 4th car accident. I'm lucky I was able to get another car and my old job back so quickly. I'm lucky for lots of things.

And in 3 1/2 weeks, I will be 26. It's not a hallmark year by any means, but I will still have a good time.

That is my update.