an interesting date

So it kind of went like this...

from 9:30-10:30pm:






From 10:30 - 10:50 pm.



Not so bad. Not so bad. Can't say I've done that before- considering it hardly ever rains in Nevada. :)

apology schmology

so if someone apologizes to you.. and then they delete his/her apology. Did they mean it to begin with?

Probably not.

thanks.

Cantinas, Cold Drinks and Cool Books Oh My!

Another blind date.

We met at the bookstore- one of my favorite places.
I was so nervous.
My heart pounded behind the bookcases.
I got yelled at
for
taking a picture
of a book called
the ass and the boar.

He showed up
in Wranglers.
We walked around
he bought me tea
I tried his caramel frappe

I couldn't really tell if he liked me or not
we joked about endless books.
I coughed. a lot.

We went to a Cantina for my friend's graduation celebration
It was more fun that I thought it would be
I like the place!
We shared nachos.

We left
drove around
chatted

He bought me a book and
gave me an awkward hug.

Overall, it was okay. :)

can you be too picky?

Okay, so I'm thinking of starting a new blog on my new unexpected single life.. but maybe later.

For now, this post will have to go in this old boring blog.

I went on a date last night. We were both seemingly "alone" for Thanksgiving. I have a tradition of going to the movies on Thanksgiving, but alas I had nobody to go with...

So here is an outline of the date. *sigh*

I pick him up.
He can't drive.
Due to some sort of depth perception disorder.
He kind of looked like his picture.
But a little... unkept.
Not really my type at all.
We go to the movies.

Where he tries to get touchy
and
feely

And I scoot
as far away as I can get from him
yet
he keeps trying.

sigh.

The movie
felt like an eternity.
It was only
2.4 hours.

Politely I ask him to coffee.
We have okay conversation.
But
I find out
he is SUPER picky
and only likes
to date
really young girls.
or in his words...
"5-10 years younger than me"

I wrap the date up by 10pm
because of course
I
have a
curfew (at the age of 30)

Heh.

He goes home
and
blogs about
a wonderful
first date

I go home and
fall asleep..

wake up
and
write this.

Dizzy Gillespie on The Muppet Show

Thanks on Tuesday

I've been sick for a few days.. well actually for about 5.. I've just felt horrible and out of it, I feel bad that I'm not portraying my usual happy self in my internship due to this cold, but I'm finding it hard to function, still I'm going to record my most recent happy moments:

Having a good interaction with my principal today
Feeling relief from my nose spray. (lame I know)
Getting through a huge checklist of stuff with my teacher, he's so cool.

Realizing I don't have homework due tomorrow!

Stephen renting me a movie he's known I've been wanting to see as a surprise!

eating a delicious bowl of tomato pasta soup for lunch

reading this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/19/business/19entre.html?_r=1&dbk about a 19 year old kid with hypomania who's starting the next big interesting thing.. I love young people starting businesses, It excites me!!

9/14

Happiest moments:

having more people talk to me in the lunchroom today

having fun with Stephen

eating a delicious rice crispy treat! yummy!

September 13th

I'm happy my first day of internship land went okay. It wasn't the best day in the world, but it was miles from the worst day!

My happiest moments:

a little girl staring at me for a minute and then saying "you're so pretty".
(this is common in elementary school, but it's still so nice to hear)

later Stephen said the same thing!

Having a conversation about braces and gum with 3 crooked smiled 10 year olds.

Stephen covering my face with kisses!

finally leaving school after the "first" day, it just felt so good to sit down and get out of there, but it was a happy moment that I "survived".

Sunday thankies

I'm happy that..

I start my internship tomorrow.
I had an awesome lunch with my loving Stephen..
My favorite show is on in just a few minutes!


I found awesome deals on Shampoo, shoes and a hand knitted sweater at ross, I saved nearly 100 dollars~! hurray.

9/11

I'm happy most

1. for getting to experience the balloon races in a comfortable location. It is a day I'll never forget! I've been 2 times before this year, but my attitude and company was lacking. Stephen made it a great/relaxing time!

2. The fact I live in a place where there are rescue workers, willing to risk their own lives to save mine. *(never forget)

3. For the time I got to spend with my relatively new friend, Ashley. I like making her laugh!

My blessings seem to multiply everyday. For that, I'm so grateful.

Happiest Moment

I went to see Eat Pray Love, a new movie with Julia Roberts in it this afternoon. The movie dragged on in some parts, but other times, I found myself in an introspective journey with the main character. I like that. In honor of this movie, I think I will refocus this journal to the happiest parts of my day.

So here goes:

8/10/2010

1. Finally solidifying my internship plans: clicking with my lead teacher, my new principal and my supervisor.

2. Going to see a movie for the pure enjoyment of seeing a movie.

3. Coming home to my wonderful Stephen cooking me dinner

4. Telling Stephen all about my day

Now off to bed! Good night.

My attempt at artsy

This is what happens when I am bored:


my photography blog


I am sure this won't happen too much in the future months, I suppose I should be grateful for the spare time I have right now. I love my new blog!

Ch ch ch changes?

I've had this blog for nearly 4 years now, and many changes have taken place in my life. On the brink of a new and highly scrutinized career, I've decided to edit my blog a bit. It's a good thing though! I really just want to focus on all positive things in my life, and I'd like to use this blog more on a daily basis.

I am also going to keep a movie review blog here http://lifeloveeverythingandwithit.blogspot.com

The name makes no sense, but that's okay. Happy blogging!

Soon I will start a teaching strategies blog! yayness.

I want a Themed Journal!

Wow, it's been almost a year since I last updated. I originally started this journal to vent some of my secrets/frustrations about life. I continued to use it as this outlet for my madness.

I kinda want to start all over, but I don't know where to begin. I have a lot to say, but I want a journal of substance with a theme to it. I saw the coolest journal tonight, this lady writes about how she'd change the world, "If I were in charge of the universe".. and then she starts an entry. It was clever and witty. She also had a journal about her dog, her photography and the library she works in. I found her site when investigating blue hair dye. I always want to dye my hair blue, but I never do, mainly out of fear that I will be rejected for that "awesome" job. heh, kinda silly since I've been looking for an awesome job for 6 years now. I could have had 6 years of blue haired Good times. Oh well, I digress...

I really love themed journals...but what I'd theme mine about or stylize it as, I have no clue. It would be pretty hard to describe myself in a 5000 word essay much less shove a part of my life into a subject journal. Plus, I get bored easily, that's my biggest problem. I jump from one topic to the next like a spun out grasshopper, I can never stay focused on any one thing for too long. I could journal about that problem, but I'm already bored thinking about it as I write this...

No point to this entry, so no finale for you, I'm off to my new sleeping job now, good night bloggers.

Advice from a 26 year old.

I was kind of a snarky 26 year old, here's a little glimpse of what was going on in my mind back then. I give you: August 2007

MY VIEW ON LIFE:

I am a bum in every sense of the word, and I'm actually okay with that. Maybe society thinks a mortgage payment and a promising career along with a cookie cutter spouse is ideal, but all I see is a race for complacency in that statement. People are so anxious to get going with their all-mighty lives, that they never stop to see what's around them right now. People don't enjoy life's little blessings.

People are constantly working for more money, more children, more prestige, a bigger house, a prettier house, another vacation, a better body, a better lover.... it's always more, bigger, better, thinner, shinier. Nothing is ever just amazing right now. Then, one day... they awake out of the rush of life. Crippled, sick, nostalgic. They say "what happened, it went by so fast". It was because they were rushing through it at such a rate that life did pass them by.

I never want to be that person. I never want to wake up when I'm 50 or 60 or 70 or 80, and say, what happened? How did that happen? Why am I here? I want to enjoy time right now :
fun time, boring time, happy time, sad time, I want to relish every feeling and emotion because someday will unfold into someone else's someday because I will no longer be here.

And all of this is why I'm okay. I'm not great, I'm not fantastic, I'm just okay being exactly where I am. I'm complacent being lost in long moments of unplanned thought. I'm okay having nothing to do with the American dream. I'm happy just being here... right now in this moment. This is all I have and this is all I want right now.

pensive pearl.

An update from an almost 26 year old.

Well. It's been almost 3 months since the worst month of my life, and all I can say about it is I am still alive.

I ended up moving back home to Nevada. My mom accepted me back with open arms, of course only if I agreed to pay rent. :)

My first month back was unbearable. I hated work. I hated people. I hated everyone and everything.

In Mid March, I drove an almost unbearable journey to see my long lost duderler for her birthday. I was still feeling "wobbley" walking around Portland, the town I lived in for only 3 weeks, but it was a nice trip. It reminded me of what I left behind... and what I can come back to someday if I choose to do so.


As several psychics predicted the man who broke my heart aka love of my life, ending up calling me in April several (25) times. I never once answered the phone. What is the point of answering? What's done is done. I moved, and I moved back. I begged for 2nd chances, and he said no and laughed at me, so why should I give him the time of day now? It's a closed book, I quit reading it, and I threw it back on the shelf, no more skimming old chapters for me.

So that's where I am. Things are just ok. Not good. Not horrible. Just, *meh* fine. Once a week, I freak out over everything, and then, I'm good again. I haven't made any progress- weight wise, career wise, money wise... nothing, but again, I think that is OK. I'm lucky to still be alive after my 4th car accident. I'm lucky I was able to get another car and my old job back so quickly. I'm lucky for lots of things.

And in 3 1/2 weeks, I will be 26. It's not a hallmark year by any means, but I will still have a good time.

That is my update.

Things change when you are 25...

Since I was a very young child, I felt I was destined for greatness. I didn't like barbie dolls or dream about my wedding and being a "mommy". I felt different from the earliest memories of my future dreams.

When I was 4, I wanted to be an astronaut... and then there was that whole challenger thing. That changed my mind pretty quick.

When I was 5-6, I wanted to be a fireman so badly. Everyday, I dressed up in red sweatpants and a plastic fireman's hat... I would go in my back yard and "put out" pretend fires with our garden hose.

Then came the epiphany. When I was 6 or maybe 7, my dad and I would play a variety of games every night together. My favorite was monopoly. I always had to be the banker, and at that young age, I decided I wanted my own monopoly when I grew up, I wanted to be a banker and have lots of money, so I could see the world.

I stuck with this idea, and I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree in Finance in 2002 at the young age of 21. I soon learned that banks, insurance companies and the "finance" world in general was just disgusting. Dressing up in a suit everyday? Lying to people to get their money? Making hard sells? Pretending to be someone you aren't? None of these things appealed to me, so since college I've been just "getting by".

I've held myself back getting into various 'relationships' over the years. I have forgotten who I am and what my dreams are... Whoever I am "dating" at the time, I make their dreams, my dreams, so I don't have to think about what I really want in life. I "crash" into their world, without ever letting them know who I really am...

I've been thinking about my dreams a lot lately, wondering what happened to them. Where did all the merrymakers go? Hrm.

With no dreams, no goals, I had to make some.... I had to think about when I am the happiest. The answer was really easy. I'm the happiest when I am traveling... experiencing new things, wearing what I want to wear... getting up when I want to get up....I like seeing weird things that not many people get to see in their lives. I love taking pictures of these weird things. I like taking pictures of myself. I like watching movies in the theater. I like writing all my feelings on paper or in a journal. I like taking long walks with people like Mel, people I can tell anything to, and they will just listen. I like knowing I have lots of money in the bank. I like to be a passenger. I like writing. I like dreaming big dreams. I like reading cheesy tabloid magazines. I like collecting dvd's that I will never watch. I like fantasizing about the day I will own my own 57 chevy bel air...4 door hard top. I like learning new skills. I like pushing my limits.

In pondering all of these things, I came up with one conclusion.

I need to find a way to be successful on my own terms. I need to travel the world. I want to see it all before I die. I need to make a lot of money and be my own boss. I need to stay away from relationships... love... and infatuation because it brings me down.

I might have a good opportunity to make a lot of money back in Nevada entering into a mortgage financing gig. It would be hard... it would be sales, but I will do anything to make my dreams come true. I'm not stuck on being a "millionaire" anymore. I just want to pay off all my bills... own some real estate... eventually get my dream car, and most importantly, I want to see the world. I want the American dream minus the husband and kids.

This year, I want to see New York City, England and Ireland. Next year, I want to see Australia/New Zealand, anywhere with an active volcano, and more of Europe.

I'm destined for greatness: I've known it since I was a young child. My definition of greatness is seeing the world and everything in it. I'm not cut out to be your average 25 year old. I hate parties and the bar scene, and I don't want to "settle" down, so where does that leave me. I don't know of many people my age that don't fit into one of those 2 categories. It doesn't matter anymore if I don't fit, I just want what I want. I want to be a success. When I die, I want the most fabulous times, the most amazing sites to pass through my mind one last time. I want to see a slideshow of the life I always want to live play by in my mind... not the life that someone else wanted me to live, but the life I chose because I wanted it.

Life really blows sometimes. My pop said it best when he said "whenever you REALLY want something more than anything, you never ever get it... it's called life., but sometimes in life we get what we weren't ever looking for, and somehow it makes you happy, it's weird, but you gotta look for that kind of stuff instead of being bummed out over everything you were 'expecting"

I'm ready to deal with life, for I know success is not assured, but I'm also putting up one hell of a fight when life punches me in the face from now on. No more crying or whining about how much things suck. This time, I'm ready for the blows, and instead of being weak, I'm going to punch back.

So hello success. Hello strength. Hello world. I'm Jessica.

Time for my once a month update.

I really don't know why I keep a journal on this site. I might delete almost every entry and just start fresh. Now I feel this stigma of only being able to update once a month. It's the evil blogger 1X Mo Syndrome. Oh well. I'll get over it. maybe.

So Today is supposed to be the busiest shopping day of the year now. The Saturday before Christmas has even beaten out The infamous Day after Thanksgiving. Thank goodness I had a temper tantrum last night after losing a web site I had just created on Dreamweaver, and decided to get every bit of shopping done at 2am last night. Even at 2am Walmart was busy. IT was frightening. But alas, I don't have to go out today OR tomorrow. Yay.

Here are some random thoughts I'm jotting down from my head today.

My grandma's birthday was December 21st. It was kind of a hard day to get through for me. *bleh*

I gained 10 lbs. overnight. I'm very depressed and kind of in denial over it. I'm over 200lbs... which is just a nasty point for me to be at right now. Oh well. My 1st goal after I move is finding a gym and focusing on good nutrition.

I am putting in my last day notice at work for January 27th. It will be an odd day.

I passed my big 911 interview. The bad news is... so did 47 other people. I guess there will be a lottery system... and who knows how many people they will accept. *sigh*

I am moving to Portland on Febuary 1st. The note is into my landlord and plans for a new apartment are being made today.

Hopefully I will have my settlement money sometime in January. Hopefully, or there won't be a "portland" move.

that is all. I'm feeling quite depressed lately. It's really not a fun place to be... and I wish I could leave.

good bye for now

Things I am thankful for...

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Things I am thankful for...

1. My family. My mom is always my savior, every time I need her, she is there for me. She has taken care of my cats, and she hates cats. She has bailed me out of being irresponsible with my bills countless times.. and whenever I need an ear, she tries to listen. My pop is financially as doomed as I am, but he always can make me laugh. I'm grateful for having both of my natural parents raise me... not many people can say that anymore.

2. My friends. Mel is the bestest friend I could ever have asked for... she always has my back no matter what! If I was stuck in the middle of the ocean, she'd highjack a f'in boat for me... or swim out to get me, and she doesn't even know how to swim! Yeah, that's why she's my duderler. Josh is my 2nd best friend probably. Not too often you can date someone for 5 years, and walk away and still be decent much less good friends with someone. He always has my back too, and I will never forget every kind gesture he has made towards me.


3. My Job. I hate my job and I love my job. I have a great deal of freedom with it, and it has really given me a chance to shine and grow up in so many ways. You never grow up until you are 100% responsible for someone's health and safety. I don't make enough money, but at least I'm not stuck in some dreary cubicle forced to wear "business casual attire". *puke* I hate that environment!!!

4. My life. In general, the only thing that ever upsets me is that fact that I know I can do better in some areas... but really I'm doing pretty good. I've been living in my own apartment for over a year and a half. I have a decent running car... a Bachelor's degree... a computer... a laptop... a cell phone... What more do I want for myself? I want to lose 40 lbs, get a better paying job, and get my masters degree someday. Well, if that's all that I'm missing out on in life, then I'm doing pretty great when compared to most people. Mel always helps to to remember how fabulous I am when I start getting down about things.

I hope everyone takes note of how lucky they are today. Last night, I was feeling really bummed about money problems... totally upset and mopey... then I saw I guy with one leg trying to hop up a curb. I thought, *wtheck* I'm upset over money when this dude has no right leg? I need to shut up and stop being a whiny baby. So, I did.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Pensive Pearl

Big changes.

Last summer... in 2005, not this past year, I had this strange epiphany *I know I use that word a bit too much*. I woke up out of a dead sleep. It was 3 am, and my heart was racing. I felt like I had a nightmare or something, but the only thing in my head was "October". At the time, I knew it wasn't October of 05... but the next October 2006.

All year, I just kept having this feeling that my life was going to drastically change this month.

I suppose it has changed.

I decided after a nice trip to Portland, that I'm going to move there. Soon. Now, I don't have any money to move, and I don't have a job/home to go to once I get there, but pish posh, who needs money or plans?

I can't describe it, but it feels right.

Since I have this big goal, I'm "making" plans for myself there. Yesterday, I found a potential job. It is extremely hard to get into, but it's something I've always wanted to try out: 911 Dispatcher. The pay is amazing, but it is a 6 month long interview. Next week, I was planning a road trip to Portland, and it just so happens that the day I'm planning on going is the last day to take the "typing exam" for the position. Upon completing the typing exam, there is another exam in 3 weeks, followed by a face to face interview in December. If you pass all 3 exams AND the interview, there is a 3 month 8 step background check. Not only do they check out you, but they check out your FAMILY! CRAZY!!!!!

Finally in February, they put everyone who passed every part of the process into a bucket, and they draw names for the "911 dispatchers academy". The job starts March 1st. Since it's on a lottery system, I could do a lot of hard work for nothing, but they do keep you on a list for anytime they lose a dispatcher. The pay starts at $36k a year, and it goes to 40k after 6 months. Plus there is 4.6 weeks of paid vacation.. and full benefits starting the first month. The job caps out at 67k a year by the end of 5 years.

I think it would be a really exciting field to be in, and since it is a 24hr a day type of job, I could work over nights or swing shift.. or whenever, and still go to school when I feel like it. So yeah, I'm totally going for it. I'm sick of making shitty pay. I'm educated and extemely talented... I deserve a lot more in life than what I've made for myself.

This is just one of my hair brained ideas, that I wanted to share. Somehow, I feel as if my weight gets tied into everything I do. I know if I made a little more money and had an exciting job, that I'd have finances to go to a gym..and actually buy fruit (fruit is expensive, eating healthy is REALLY expensive). I'd be less stressed out too (stress adds to weight gain, especially in the stomach). Maybe everything will fall into place for me. I'll get settlement money from a car accident I was in back last June... I'll try out a new job.... I'll be in a new city. Maybe I can grow up a bit too along the way. I just feel so damned lost sometimes... like I'm just grabbing for anything to make me stable. blah. whatever. Being unstable is fun sometimes. :)