Reinventing the Wheel

I'm always trying to reinvent the wheel with myself: my hopes, my dreams, my offbeat whims and my blogs. Well, I kind of like this one. I like seeing my growth, my let downs and my past wacky thoughts. I don't have any life changing self analyzing anecdotes to place in this neat little box. I am 32 now. Most days I forget my own age. I'm just living life. There are still daily and weekly and monthly and yearly set backs and struggles, but overall, I am on the right track. My life is going smoothly. I am comfortable and I feel like I am "progressing" naturally.

new stuff

I have a new blog now, that I post in just about everyday. It is about a whole new trip that I am on, but I still value this blog. This blog got me through a lot of hard times. When I was hopeless, it gave me faith. When I was lost, it guided me through difficult times.

I am still lost...
I am still hopeless...

but wow life is so exciting right now!! I know it won't always be like this, but this weekend was the best weekend of my life. OF MY LIFE. I have never smiled so much or been so happy. For the first time ever, I felt as if I belonged somewhere.

Life is so bizarre. One tragedy can lead to a million wonderful memories. And just one good memory can change your outlook on life forever.

I'm so thankful to be alive.

Everytime

Every time I see him
my heart twitters with
comfort and joy
as I relish in
his every imperfection

I sit and
gaze
and
analyze
his perfectly imperfect face.

acne scars
wild blonde hairs
in an unkept
brown beard
wrinkles around his
blue eyes
greys scattered
on his temples

and all the while
I think
I love him so very much

these moments are perfect
I say, "you have a little something
right here"
and I motion to wipe it
and he gets it

and we laugh
and laugh
both imagining how
we will say the same thing
in 40 years
to the same
imperfect face
staring back

I love it how

I love it how people put up on dating sites like plenty of fish the exact things they aren't: such as HONEST. or DRAMA FREE! A warning to the ladies if a guy puts up "honest" he's the biggest liar in the world... and yes, that means you!

True Love

This is my declaration of true love.

I believe:

It lasts over time... it never really goes away.
It is full of the truth and forgiveness.
It is not hateful or jealous or immature.
It can get boring sometimes, but it lasts past fads and whims.


It is unique. A person, who really loves you, can love every bit of everything you think is weird about yourself. They know your good side and your bad side, and they still love you, regardless of everything.

True love leaves an imprint on your heart. It is the foundation of friendship and trust. It grows over time: it evolves and changes and gets better and better.


I have found this love with someone, and I'm grateful and slightly scared of it! It is the best feeling I have ever felt. I love you now and forever B. You are my other half. You have shown me something that nobody else is capable of: true love.

in one week

In a very wonderful, very short week. I fell in love with someone new. And then in the blink of an eye, my new love was over.

Nobody probably cares.. but it just felt like the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I deserved a little dash of happy after everything that's happened...

I'm now reconsidering an old love. One that has me thinking a lot about the meaning of time and what it really means in the long run. I am so obsessed with time. I wish I could stop.

Christmas Turn Around

My Christmas:






The day was feeling pretty
empty and void and
lack of emotion
numb, but not comfortably so...


My mind fluttered
Contemplating love
new and old...
wishing my day
was filled
with
different people
and
different times...

Refusing to see the love
right in front of my face

My own love
that I have to give
to those around me

So I found a simple joy
in buying a yoyo and investing in
deep conversation with
old friends.

I took three adorable young boys
out for french fries and onion rings
and
their first 3D movie
and our conversations
were just amazing

and I realized
that love
comes
in so many different forms
it is literally
limitless.

Life has been such a rollercoaster lately. Oy vey. Where to even begin.

Every time I meet someone, they disappoint me. Maybe this is life? Just one huge cycle of disappointment. It feels like every relationship I enter into, I am the one who unfairly gets hurt. Why is that? Am I a magnet for my own pain? How do I attract these scumbags to me?

I must be doing something wrong. I need some inner reflection to figure myself out or something!

I just wish I knew what it is that is so horrible about me that everyone has to f*ck me over. This is not how I imagined my life at 30. How did it get so screwed up?

floppy...

We used to play this game
called
floppy fish

Where we'd be in bed
and
flop like
well,
floppy fish
Thrashing and
flopping
pretending to
splash in water
that wasn't there...

And we would laugh
and
laugh
and
laugh.

Until we fell asleep holding
floppy
hands.

And I thought
I could
play
this
game
forever.

Dating Schmating

Boy number one asks me out to a movie
We get there..
and it's pretty obvious.
I am paying for myself!

How um sweet?

He did buy popcorn and a soda to share.

During the movie
He says
"If you get scared...
you can hold my hand"

5 minutes later
he says
"if you get scared...
you can hold my penis"
Yeah.

I did not get scared. At all.

The movie was good
He was a bore.
I hate people who
talk during movies
unless of course
it is me
and
my best friend.
then
it's okay.


Before our dating
he couldn't stop texting me
telling me
he was excited to
kiss me perhaps

After an awkward walk
to my car
He danced around for
10 minutes
no kiss
just
a
guerrilla war style
hug

and we were off

The movie was so great
and
I looked so pretty
that
I really needed a
good night kiss

So I
called up boy number 2
just to meet me
on a random corner
and
give me a good
kiss.


It was good.
thank you
boy number 2.

Rollercoaster

Everyday is truly a rollercoaster for me.

Literally every other day is just horrid. Then the next day feels pretty great!

But then the next day is horrible again.

Good
Bad
Great
Awful
Nasty
Pleasurable
Happy
Miserable
Lively
Depressing
Jovial
Downer
Blue Skies
Gloomy Skies
Awesome Times
Crying Times


Well, you get the point. My best friend said that I am much better than a month ago. A month ago, I couldn't see any good things at all on the horizon. At least now, I look forward to every other day.

I guess I'm scared of today because yesterday was pretty great. Maybe I should put yesterday by the Beatles on and just dream of those better times.

an interesting date

So it kind of went like this...

from 9:30-10:30pm:






From 10:30 - 10:50 pm.



Not so bad. Not so bad. Can't say I've done that before- considering it hardly ever rains in Nevada. :)

apology schmology

so if someone apologizes to you.. and then they delete his/her apology. Did they mean it to begin with?

Probably not.

thanks.

Cantinas, Cold Drinks and Cool Books Oh My!

Another blind date.

We met at the bookstore- one of my favorite places.
I was so nervous.
My heart pounded behind the bookcases.
I got yelled at
for
taking a picture
of a book called
the ass and the boar.

He showed up
in Wranglers.
We walked around
he bought me tea
I tried his caramel frappe

I couldn't really tell if he liked me or not
we joked about endless books.
I coughed. a lot.

We went to a Cantina for my friend's graduation celebration
It was more fun that I thought it would be
I like the place!
We shared nachos.

We left
drove around
chatted

He bought me a book and
gave me an awkward hug.

Overall, it was okay. :)

can you be too picky?

Okay, so I'm thinking of starting a new blog on my new unexpected single life.. but maybe later.

For now, this post will have to go in this old boring blog.

I went on a date last night. We were both seemingly "alone" for Thanksgiving. I have a tradition of going to the movies on Thanksgiving, but alas I had nobody to go with...

So here is an outline of the date. *sigh*

I pick him up.
He can't drive.
Due to some sort of depth perception disorder.
He kind of looked like his picture.
But a little... unkept.
Not really my type at all.
We go to the movies.

Where he tries to get touchy
and
feely

And I scoot
as far away as I can get from him
yet
he keeps trying.

sigh.

The movie
felt like an eternity.
It was only
2.4 hours.

Politely I ask him to coffee.
We have okay conversation.
But
I find out
he is SUPER picky
and only likes
to date
really young girls.
or in his words...
"5-10 years younger than me"

I wrap the date up by 10pm
because of course
I
have a
curfew (at the age of 30)

Heh.

He goes home
and
blogs about
a wonderful
first date

I go home and
fall asleep..

wake up
and
write this.

Dizzy Gillespie on The Muppet Show

Thanks on Tuesday

I've been sick for a few days.. well actually for about 5.. I've just felt horrible and out of it, I feel bad that I'm not portraying my usual happy self in my internship due to this cold, but I'm finding it hard to function, still I'm going to record my most recent happy moments:

Having a good interaction with my principal today
Feeling relief from my nose spray. (lame I know)
Getting through a huge checklist of stuff with my teacher, he's so cool.

Realizing I don't have homework due tomorrow!

Stephen renting me a movie he's known I've been wanting to see as a surprise!

eating a delicious bowl of tomato pasta soup for lunch

reading this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/19/business/19entre.html?_r=1&dbk about a 19 year old kid with hypomania who's starting the next big interesting thing.. I love young people starting businesses, It excites me!!

9/14

Happiest moments:

having more people talk to me in the lunchroom today

having fun with Stephen

eating a delicious rice crispy treat! yummy!

September 13th

I'm happy my first day of internship land went okay. It wasn't the best day in the world, but it was miles from the worst day!

My happiest moments:

a little girl staring at me for a minute and then saying "you're so pretty".
(this is common in elementary school, but it's still so nice to hear)

later Stephen said the same thing!

Having a conversation about braces and gum with 3 crooked smiled 10 year olds.

Stephen covering my face with kisses!

finally leaving school after the "first" day, it just felt so good to sit down and get out of there, but it was a happy moment that I "survived".

Sunday thankies

I'm happy that..

I start my internship tomorrow.
I had an awesome lunch with my loving Stephen..
My favorite show is on in just a few minutes!


I found awesome deals on Shampoo, shoes and a hand knitted sweater at ross, I saved nearly 100 dollars~! hurray.